Exhaust Vent (when words finally escape)
April 27, 2006This is at least the fifth time in the past few days that I've opened this blog page to write something and stared blankly not being able to form the words that I've been trying to let escape. This time I think the words are ready to resemble something of a complete thought.
I think I need excitement. I think I need adventure. Something. Something to break this mundane feeling I've been having the past couple of weeks. I've been spending a lot of the evenings lately tired and flat, not feeling at all like going out and allowing my eyes to shut for the night by 11pm. It's not as if I'm unhappy in the least. Many would probably agree that miraculously I really don't know how to feel the negativity that constantly surrounds us in this world. So it's not that, it's just something else.
The summer is approaching quicker than I had ever expected it to, and you'd think that I'd be energized and excited by the long days and the warmth of the sun. But somehow I am not. And although I cannot deny that I appreciate the weather, I really can't say I'm ecstatic about it either. I was looking back the other day, to one year ago on Erik's birthday, and I remember where I was with myself and how I felt, and it was certainly a place unknown to almost everything that is now. I was in a place alone and independent just coming out of one of the worst winter stagnations I can remember. Yet somehow I was strangely at peace with myself, looking forward (perhaps preparing myself) for one of the best summers of my life. I suppose in comparison, I do not feel that preparation. I know the future has a lot of great things to offer, as did the recent winter passed, but I'm not totally convinced that I'm ready for it this time around. Be it whether I feel very secure in most of my relationships with my friends where the excitement of getting to know someone is something of the past, or I'm just not ready to undertake the lifestyle the summer usually brings, I don't know. There's also a part of me that minutely feels unsatisfied with failed aspirations and relationships, causing me to second guess my time here, but then again, I've come so far as a person that I shouldn't complain. It's all so murky, like if I'm constantly looking out at the world though foggy glasses.
But what I do know is that I'm very fortunate and happy to be surrounded by so many caring and awesome people, people who I have no doubt will unintentionally bring me out of this little funk. I suppose, in retrospect, I was correct before by saying that I'm not ready for the summer yet. And now I may understand why. Being so secure, for the first time since I've lived here, with the people in this town and my place within it all, it might be that I'm wary of what this summer is to bring. Almost like this time around, the summer may either 'make it' or 'break it' for me in many different ways, personally, financially and geographically.
I think I'm scared of coming to the point where that decision must be made.
posted by H. Hopkins @ 10:11 AM
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