cock basting...urm...I mean cake baking.

September 12, 2005

I realized tonight that I can't do much of anything in the kitchen. I barely cook for myself, in fact the two real dishes I've had any success with are my spinach lasagna rolls (which I think I brought over to one of Kim and Dave's dinners last winter) and this strange concoction stir fry consisted of chirico sausage, fried rice, jerk sauce and thinly sliced fried potatoes. I made this for someone once too, years ago, and quite possible poisoned them with it's delectable taste. I'm sure any enjoyment they actually experienced from the meal was the joy of talking about how disgusting it was to co-workers the next day around the water cooler. Whatever, I could care less. For the time being while I'm single I might as take advantage of making the easy shit that I know I like and will fill me up. Which reminds me, I best stock back up on refrieds again, before my digestive immunity starts failing me. I guess now you'll know why you might not see me the next time you all go out to the bar, and it wont be because I'm shopping for the beans...So anyway, I somehow felt compelled to volunteer making a cake for my friend Mike's birthday tomorrow. He mad me a very scrumptious cake for my birthday back in June, and perhaps I felt somewhat compelled to return the favor. But what the fuck, I can't make a cake for christ's sake. I once made cookies from a ready-made pouch that turned out pretty fucking awesome, but a cake? Even if this works and it has any resemblance to a cake, I'm going to be stressing all night, dreading the first fork-to-mouth followed by an infectious cake-to-floor-fork-in-my-eye. Oh shit, hold on. It's in the oven right now and I better check on it. Okay, looking good so far. Besides the fact that I do not have any proper cooking instruments, a baking pan two sizes too small, and with nothing but a fork to beat the mix, I decided I was going to be a little more elaborate and make it a strawberry-cream cheese layer cake. Somehow I plan to remove the cake from the pan after it has set, cut it in half horizontally, spread a layer of strawberry glaze in the middle and then frost it with fresh strawberries. Great idea perhaps, sounds tasty to me, but how the hell am I going to do this without completely destroying the damn thing? I need to check it again, time has elapsed so it should be done.Hmm, it has been in the oven for the time required by the back of the box but the knife came out sopping with cake mixture. (Yes that is correct. I can't even bake a cake that simply requires 3 eggs, vegetable oil and water.) For all of you who plan on being at Mike's tomorrow, I suggest that caution is considered upon trying this delicacy. I make no promises whatsoever that you will not die. And with said, I best prepare for a plan B just in case. Regardless of what happens, I will complete this task even if does suck, and whether or not I die trying. And as closing thought for all of you who got excited reading the first two words of this title, just imagine some old hag basting a giant cock in the oven, late at night in a dark cottage in the middle of the woods. Something out of a twisted fairy tale perhaps? Hey that goblin cock looks pretty meaty.