beer and music

August 28, 2006

okay. my ears are bleeding. but it's okay. fancy fest was pretty fucking awesome this weekend. i feel like a lot of shows in this city are much about the scene in which they create, which is fucking fun in itself but this fest was really awesome more so because of the actual bands themselves. providence really has some great musical talent, and although not having really lived in any other city where music has really been as accessible, I have to say that i'm really happy to be a part of such an awesome group of people. seriously. i dragged my hungover self out of the house today at 2:00 to see txoka txoka play at the fest, at 2:00 in the fucking afternoon (not that i wouldn't support my awesome friends regardless) and i was actually stunned to see how many other people has also dragged their hungover bodies down to show their support as well. And by the way, speaking of txoka txoka, if you've never seen them before you must because i am becoming more and more impressed with them ever time i see them and they seriously kick some ass - so go! Anyway... it's important to have this (or any) music such at your fingertips. I was never brought up listening to much music, and it's amazing how it translates into an emotion that if you allow yourself to absorb can really help with well being.

and this brings me to something that's personal to me, and because i've had a few and yet can actually for once verbalize my thoughts in a rather clear manner, i have to say that this (and other) music has really been helping me with my rather shaky mental state. i don't know exactly what it is, but either their is something in the air creating some strange feeling within, or if it's that i'm actually beginning to lose my mind - but i've been really feeling quite unsettled as of the past couple of months. And it's only been getting worse. things are changing, i am changing, and i feel it and it's been really tough. my mind is totally filled with confusion and self doubt. and even trying to talk about it, the only real explanation i can remotely come up with is feelings of anxiety and manic behavior. and to put it all out there, i don;t know what i'm doing with myself anymore and i don't know what the fuck i want for myself. it's almost as if i look at and see so many wonderful people making changed and moving on and getting older and making choices and here i am at a halt not sure what to do. and truthfully this is not a feeling i haven't had before, but it's intensified leaving me completely tense and ridden with some weird feeling of worry. mid life crisis, perhaps? i don't know and i don't mean to drone about my personal issues (i've never been too good with that), but it's something that i need to address. and so long story short, i apologize to anyone who might get themselves caught in the crossroads. i try to live my life by a fairly specific code and i'm afraid of coloring outside the lines, and i surely don't mean to. maybe i worry to much. maybe that's the point.

so, yeah...i feel rather relaxed at this very moment in time, much clearer than i've felt in quite some time. and i attribute much of that to allowing the immersion of music as a form of meditation. i also attribute that to beer. coming to terms that i'm probably an alcoholic by many medical standards (or so i hear) is something quite interesting to think about, but fortunately that's probably the least of my worries at this point. and so with that,

goodnight.


(Comments:)

Man, you are a trooper. I couldn't do anything yesterday. And you do worry too much. You are living in the moment, enjoying life. That's a good thing.
Posted by Lolly on Monday, August 28, 2006 at 7:07 AM
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brian, i feel you on all counts. (and you know that, since i vent my emotions to you on a pretty regular basis.) so many people we know are torn between comfort and change, stagnation and flux, order and chaos. and none of the degrees between seems more or less attractive, or even okay, than all the others. so we live for the moment, and then the moment becomes tomorrow's moment, and so on. where am i going with this? i don't know, except to say that i live down the street from you now, and you should come over for a beer soon, and we can celebrate our clinical alcoholism.
Posted by robert on Monday, August 28, 2006 at 10:52 AM
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Brian, I have talked to so many people lately, including myself, that are having very similar issues and worries. Not to discredit yours, but try not to be so hard on yourself. I think the fact that you are having these feelings says a lot. All these worries are happening for a reason, maybe you are getting ready to grow. It's a slow process, growing up, and painful, apparently. The people around you making moves towards more productive things should give you some motivation, every little bit counts. You do have a lot going for you, you are a wonderful person and every one I know loves you madly. xo
Posted by Jade on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 at 3:08 PM
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Personally I think it's ok to feel anxiety about this stuff. It's natural. But in my opinion, the next thing to do is to realize you are worrying, and let that worry go, and just be ok with not really doing anything right now. Eventually something will come to you, some direction or motivation to do something specific with yourself, and then you have a challenge - getting that thing done. For now, just be cool with yourself, deal with what has happened over the last year, or more.
Posted by stump on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 at 5:44 PM
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